Starring: Jason Behr, Mia Blake
Directed by: Peter Burger
Written by: Matthew Grainger, Jonathan King
Studio: Eyeworks Touchdown
THE TATTOOIST faithfully follows in the tradition of rigorous anthropological case studies found in cheap-thrill horror movies over the past quarter-century or so. For example, we can see traces of the ambitious thinking behind the lauded 90's movie about magic gypies THINNER and the perennial classic exposing Southern brutality disguised as theme house hospitality HOUSE OF A 1,000 CORPSES in the stream of urine that is Burger's newest creation. Here, though, it's the long-abused peoples of Samoa that get the heavy handed treatment. Yay white people.
Jason Behr's character is a tattooist that claims his work can HEAL THE SICK. Naturally, people get pissed off at him when his inkings don't do shit but hell, it's not like he set up shop in a place where bloggers get convicted of sedition. Oh wait, he does live in Singapore, maybe he shouldn't be writing checks (i.e. doing "magic" with his tattoo machine) that his ass can't afford (the resulting caning). But before he figures out that he'd be smart to hightail out of there, he runs into some Samoan chick and, given his appreciation of her and the islandic culture, steals some of her cousin's traditional tat equipment. He's a lovable scrapper, really.
After he accidentally cuts himself good with the stolen goods (I really would want this guy sticking pointy drills in me, yeppers) and moving to New Zealand, the dbag then gets all caught up in some kind of fucked up Samoan ghost story that I quickly lost interest in. Turns out there's a ghost of some young dead Samoan boy that, rather than take revenge on his murderers (who turn out to be his family members, as expected for such a uncivilized and barbaric race), is killing people that the dumbfuck protag inks up. yeah, I don't get it either - there might have been an explanation given beyond Jason Behr cutting himself with the stick and therefore opening up a "channel" for the spirit, but fuck if I cared by the end of this crapfest. I'm pretty sure the damn stick has cut into other people before, e.g. customers.
Honestly folks, I read the back of this, saw that there was nudity and decided, "Fuck it, Blockbuster owes me a free rental anyway". Sure there were tits, sure there was blood, sure there was blood on said tits, but nothing other than your standard VOODOO COLORED PEOPLE BAD, LET'S SOLVE THE MYSTERY AND THEN FLY BACK FOR SOME COSMOS. I'm so done with this movie.
Writing: Boring plot, all the deaths occur over the course of only three or four hammy scenes, I guess there's a twist?
Direction: Boy this guy really likes tattoos. And women coughing up really viscous ink. And overwrought flashback sequences.
Acting: Behr conveys the emotional state of befuddlement quite well but I guess that's all the character ever felt. That and the occasional constipation.
Editing: The first act drags on and on, then we get a bunch of quick ghost-murderer scenes and then a CLIMATIC CONFRONTATION SCENE that I couldn't be bothered to even watch with both eyes (one was focused on porn).
Sound: They try to make the sound of hitting a stick with another stick the new Jason Voorhes murder cue.
Soundtrack/Score: When the protagonist first arrives in New Zealand, some annoying grunge band sounding fifteen years too late out of Seattle busts our movie-watchin' world WIDE OPEN. Who ever put the soundtrack together should go with a more relevant, maybe even talented band next time - perhaps one from New Zealand (don't ask me to name any).
Self-Awareness: This film recognizes the wholesome and unexplored culture of Samoans - and decides to depict them as either a bunch of conspiring child-killers or wannabe gangstas blasting trashy hip-hop from their tricked out whips. Remarkable.
Overall rating: *
~Ian
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