Batman and Robin

Starring: George Clooney, Chris O'Donnel, Alicia Silverstone, Uma Thurman, Arnold Schwarzenegger
Director: Joel Shumacher
Writer: Akiva Goldsman
Studio: Time Warner

Do you see Uma Thurman's face in this picture? She's broken, exhausted, and little stupid; this is what watching Batman and Robin does to people. I reviewed the funniest Batman movie every made; it stars Adam West. This film wants to be that film so badly that it hurts, but like any pathetic wannabe, it just tries and fails like a baby bird with one wing. It isn't funny; it's just sad. The near fatal shift in tone for the Batman franchise reaches its nauseating climax here. Batman Forever taught the studio that a cheesy, hideous looking Batman film could make more money and get better reviewed than a dark one. Here is the attempt to take that formula and push it as far as possible.

Nothing mature happens in this film; it's all product placement for happy meal toys, action figures, and credit card companies. Don't forget Batman pulls out a credit card that says fucking, "Batman," on it. I have nothing against a funny Batman story. I love Adam West's take on the character and all that entails, Joker's Millions is a great Batman story from comic books published fifty years ago that's fucking hilarious (yes, Batman is in other things besides movies). The real problem with this film is that it isn't funny; it tries and fails at humor repeatedly with awful puns and contrived visual gags that never deliver a real laugh from the audience.

Then there are the attempts to create drama in the film. Batman and Robin's family dynamic, Alfred's sickness, and Mr. Freezes attempts to save his wife might have worked in a movie that didn't have dancing gorillas, wacky sound effects, horrible puns, Alicia Sylverstone street racing, Batman's credit card, and that dog that gets frozen just before it mictorates on a hydrant. It's insande to think that anyone intended any portion of this film at actually come close to pathos.

Direction: Joel tries and fails to incorporate some heavy CGI into this movie. It might not have aged well, but I doubt the opening sky diving sequence with butterfly Mr. Freeze every looked good. The film really emphasized Shumacher's limitations; he's so bad at creating mood in scenes that he can't even do broad superhero slapstick. I also could have lived without the closeups of Batman and Robin's tight rubber clad crotches and butts. I hear this is a kid's movie Joel or at least a kid's toy commercial.

Most of his attempts at atmosphere are just huge uninteresting wastes of money. He actually cost the production millions of dollars by getting refrigerated sets so you could see the actors breath in Mr. Freeze scenes. Sadly, the lighting was done wrong, and it wasn't visible. He could have just saved everyone the trouble and just burned a pile of millions of dollars and filmed that. I swear that might look cool in a Batman movie.

Writing: Akiva Goldsman might be the anti-christ. The dialog alone in this script is enough to turn the moon to blood and summon the four horsemen. His attempts at comedy consist of puns so bad that Mr. Peabody would slap you in the face for uttering them. (If you don't know who Mr. Peabody is, that's minus 25 Canary points.) The sheer number of puns involving ice, winter, chilling out, staying cool, kicking ice, etc. that come out of Arnold's mouth make me wonder if he was even trying. What do I know? He has an Oscar for A Beautiful Mind, but he also did Lost in Space. I don't like any of the scripts for these movies, but somebody sure does. I think that somebody needs a tire iron to the face.

Acting: Clooney is alright, but he could be a million times funnier with something better to work with. Arnold has the worst lines of his career and a costume that even he complained about limiting his acting ability; I can't be too mad at him. He admits he wasn't at the top of his game. Uma plays her role like a drag queen which comes very close to ruing the entire film by her self; it's astonishing how repulsive she as the film's tongue-in-cheek sex pot. Chris and Alicia give performances that killed their respective careers; they should have run for the hills after reading the damn script. The writing and the acting have the same problem, for the most part, none of these people are right for a comedy like this. They can't carry it to the fucking curb, let alone for two hours.

Editing: The editor made the mistake of letting any of this footage survive.

Sound: Lots of stupid cartoon sound effects.

Soundtrack/Score: They milk Danny Elfman's score and upgrade to be even gaudier than before, and the Smashing Pumpkins song is cool.

Self-Awareness: Everybody knows they are making a joking Batman film, but they have no idea that it isn't funny at all.

Overall rating: Fuck this goddamn turd and the hell spawn that birthed it.
-Pete

Batman Forever

Starring: Jim Carrey, Tommy Lee Jones, Val Kilmer, Chris O'Donnell, Nicole Kidman
Director: Joel Schumacher
Writers: Lee Batchler, Janet Scott Batchler, Akiva Goldsman
Studio: Time Warner

This film supposedly saved the franchise after Batman Returns didn't sell enough Happy Meals to kiddies developing childhood diabetes due to Big Mac sauce and diet coke. Thank god this movie showed up to make the Batman franchise family friendly again because nothing says family fun like Jim Carrey's honking crotch, close ups of rubber clad man ass, and Nicole Kidman's desperate attempts to get Batman into her panties.
The franchise enters a pupa stage with this film. The Burton films are the caterpillar, and this movie is the between point between them and the magnificent shit moth that is Batman and Robin. Their are elements of the Burton films that remain. The original costume, big old time radio microphones, the flashback to the Wayne double murder, and even some of the architecture of Gotham are little details that linger like vestigial organs. The film changes as we watch it, and these elements are lost in favor of brighter colors, Vegas-like sets, and outlandish kid's movie hijinks. There is also a street gang covered in glow in the dark body paint. I have seen them in my nightmares since I was a lad.

There is one moment that sums up the film for me. Batman bursts through a skylight to stop Two-Face from robbing a gala. As he descends through broken glass, the film cuts to a man in glasses that Batman saved earlier in the film. He points at Batman and shouts in the voice of a man suffering from brain damage, "It's Batman! EEEHHH!" This film is that man, using what limited brain power it has to point us to the caped crusader.

Writing: The visual transformation is a accompanied by a script that rarely succeeds. It's never as funny as it thinks it is, and it jumps wildly in quality from scene to scene. The last scene with the Riddler in Arkham is actually quite good; it's got tension, tight dialog, and it builds well on expectations. The opening is painful; I had to take a break after the first three minutes. The first lines of the film are Alfred saying, "Can I persuade you to take a sandwich with you, sir? " It's accompanied with Kilmer's zombie like reply of, "I'll get drive-thru." The depths of unfunny are mined quite thoroughly almost immediately, and much of the dialog is just as bad. This opening is followed by Tommy Lee Jones yammering about," Blind, stupid, simple, doo-dah, clueless luck!" I am no fan of that doo-dah, but it's just one of many verbal fumbles we get berated with.

Directing: I am not a fan of Mr. Schumacher's style. Joel (I use his first name out of a lack of respect, not familiarity) does some of the most amateurish lighting in film. If he wants a mood, he just drowns the scene in one color from a spot light. He's been doing it that way since The Lost Boys, and it always kills a scene for me. It pulls me right out of the film, and I just see Joel holding a big red (sometimes he switches it up with blue) spotlight in his hands with an idiot grin on his face. Adding to the rookie feel are incredibly unconvincing matte paintings used to create establishing shots of the city.

The action scenes also suffer under Schumacher's direction (I almost put that in quotes, but I remembered that I'm not a complete asshole). The film uses close ups during the fight scenes that break up the visual flow of the battle and disorient the viewer. It makes them feel choppy and awkward which is par for the course for most of the film.
Also, some of the visual effects work looks terrible. Any time Batman leaps from one of these mattes to the foreground, it looks painfully phony. It might just be age showing, but the effects for Batman Returns hold up much better.

Acting: Val Kilmer decided that he needed to out-wooden Michael Keaton's Batman, so he plays Batman and Bruce Wayne as a robot that wears the flesh of a man. He doesn't have much to work with, and I guess that probably inspired the sleep walk performance.

Tommy Lee Jones plays Two-Face way over the top, and it doesn't work. It feels like a bad imitation of Nicholson's Joker; he's impulsive, vulgar, but awkward. It's like Jones can't quite grasp how to do the character, so he just throws more volume and over acting to get it right. I was discussing this with a friend, and we both agreed that he should have done it like the best Batman actors and played the character as an exaggeration of himself. I might have enjoyed an authoritative southern Two-Face more.

Nicole Kidman vamps it up pretty hard here in a role created solely for sexual innuendo and some fairly bullshit romance. I honestly miss Vicki Vale compared to Dr. Meridian Chase; at least Vicki felt like a significant part of the story. It also doesn't help that Ms. Kidman overplays the sexual tension between her and Batman to the point that I half expected her to just jump him and start humping furiously like a cat in heat. The uber-vamp and the robot in the latex gimp suit are a fun mismatch, but it's more like an SNL bit than material strong to enough last for a good portion of the film.

Chris O'Donnell plays the angry young man well enough, but he's forgettable.

Jim Carrey on the other hand is guilty of grand theft movie. The Riddler is definitely an exaggeration of himself, and it's just the right amount of excess in an already excessive movie. He would have a ruined a Burton Batman movie, but he's a perfect fit for the insane glow in the dark romp that is Batman Forever. His Riddler starts as a sympathetic cartoon looser and then builds into a full blown Saturday morning villain. It's like watching Droopy Dog turn into Cobra Commander with the aid of mad science. He's bounding around the sets with a mad energy that overcomes some questionable costuming and terrible dialog. He actually has to shout, "Joygasm!" and sticking his spandex clad crouch out after blowing something up; he's working his ass off to make this shit watchable. He brings enough quality that he bumps this film up from disappointing to uneven; good for him.

Editing: There a two scenes worth of fat that desperately needed trimming. The first is a rather unremarkable car chase between Two-Face and Batman that lasts about three minutes and barely stands out amidst all the huge set pieces and Jim Carrey. It's pointless action excess that provides no plot advancement or strong images. The second necessary cut is when Dick Grayson dries his clothes using kung fu; it's like stomp except with wet rags and a butler. It feels so forced and out of place, and it fails completely to make Robin cool and competent. It's also completely unnecessary since the circus fight actually introduces Robin in a way that makes him heroic. He saves lives and beats up bad guys with little regard for his own safety; I want to meet the person who thinks that is of equal intrigue to doing laundry.

Sound: When Jim does his victory hump, there is a honking noise. This is not what God intended sound in movies for. Other ridiculous noises also abound whether they kill the mood or not.

Soundtrack/score: The Danny Elfman music from the previous two films is combined with elements from the 60s Batman music. Big horn blasts pepper the score along with cartoony sound effects and other such noise. It's an interesting evolution for the film's music that signals the franchises oncoming dive into total self-indulgent rehashed camp.

Self-awareness: The film knows that it's ridiculous, but it's never aware when it's being ridiculously awful.

Overall Rating: 2 out of 5. One for Carrey, and one for the Arkham scene.

-Pete

Own your piece of Val FOREVER