Lost Boys: The Tribe

Starring: Tad Hilgenbrink, Angus Sutherland, Autumn Reeser, Corey Fucking Feldman
Directed by: PJ Pesce
Written by: Hans Rodionoff
Studio: Hollywood Media Bridge, LB2 Films, blah blah

There's no shortage of painful vampire movies, Pete and I can attest to that much (Lust for Dracula, Ankle Bitters, etc. etc.). The original Lost Boys (1987), despite being a Joel Schumacher production, fairs pretty well given all the detris out there. You got Kiefer Sutherland breaking bitches' necks and puncturing jugulars, Corey Feldman at his finest, boobs, and a catchy theme song. A bunch of people since its successful theater run have realized how this movie's sort of a shiny pebble amid heaps of cat shit and so it is still popular years later. Which, hey, it deserves.

But what it doesn't deserve is the attentions of hack producers and writers, who inevitably see the potential in "re-invigorating" the material for a "new generation to enjoy". I don't think I need to spell-out what all that translates to in the vernacular (hint: it rules everything around me). What we get, then, is a direct-to-video compost pile of cliches and misconstrued cues from the original twenty-plus years later. Lost Boys: The Tribe inherits one of the positive traits from its parent product (i.e. boobs, specifically the luscious Moneca Delain's) but gets recessive, autistic DNA in all other regards.

For instance, replacing Kiefer Sutherland as the badass vampire this time around is Jack Bauer's younger, half-witted half-brother Angus who silted performance and dronish voice approximates a range of roles comprised of complete LSD burnouts. Corey Feldman, who reprises his "iconic" role as Edgar Frog, doesn't look a day older than he did back in the day but somehow over the years lost that quirky-yet-enduring quality he had in the late eighties - he's now kind of a bore. He did, though, manage to train his voice to sound as gravelly as the driveway for a dirt farm. Even the kinda-cool song from the original undergoes an abortion when some d-bags try to give it the POWER FUCK YEAGHHH ROCK makeover.

Another gripe I have with this movie is how the vampires, rather than the (un)living embodiments of youthful excess and rebellion they were in the previous incarnation, now act like frat boy cockheads more than anything else. While David (Kiefer)'s crew lived in a cave near the ocean filled with rust-encrusted emblems of consumerism, Shane (Angus)'s chill out in a multi-level underground complex fitted with HD TVs, an X-Box 360 and IKEA furniture. And while the undead from the first one are truly excited by their immortality (e.g. they hang from elevated railroad and then intentionally fall into a foggy abyss), the delta-delta-fi assholes from this one are content with just fucking around with the local police and stabbing each other in the gut while giggling like fools.

Schumacher et al are the only ones to gain from this shitpan of film, since it will most likely drive people (such as myself) to go and rent the original.

Writing: The story is a dumbed-down, ugly version of the first one with more WHACKY HIJINKS and less cooky 80s fun. The dialog is groan worthy.

Direction: Pesce really conveys the experience of turning into a vampire with slo-mo and simple lense distortions. Wowee.

Acting: Everybody was lame - Autumn Reeser was cute (as she always is) but that wasn't enough. But I'd rather blame the writing since she so purdy. :-3

Editing: There's a whole subplot with Autumn and Tad's aunt that there to set up a single, stupid fucking joke at the end of the movie. yeah, editing.

Sound: The usual CHEST STAB and POLICE BOLTER sounds galore.

Soundtrack/Score: CRYYYYYYYYYY LITTA SISTAAAAAHHH

Self-Awareness: "Hey guys, this is the sequel, let's just make a bunch of references to the first one yay."

Overall rating: **

~Ian

John Carpenter's Vampires

Starring: James Woods, Daniel Baldwin, other people.

Director: John Carpentar

Writer: Dan Jakoby

Studio: Columbia/Tristar

Vampire hunting seems too easy sometimes. Even wafer thin little numbers like Sarah Michelle Gellar can do it. But John Carpentar reminds us that's all glitz and glamor made for the Hollywood crowd. He takes us back to the hard working, blue collar, whore hopping, truck driving vampire hunters that helped build this country. God bless them all and their pointy sticks.

Ian reminded me why I hate vampire movies repeatedly throughout our cinematic sojourns together. It's one of those genres that irritates the hell out of me when it's just lazily retread over and over again, and sometimes nudity is used to distract the viewer from the lazy suck being hurled at your eyes. This movie actually tries to do something a little different. Vampire hunting is treated like an all day job here; it's like being an exterminator with very high mortality rate. There's some other stuff about Vatican vampire conspiracies, but the actual hunting is the highlight for me.

Writing: It's a serviceable script, but Carpentar's had better to work with. It's quirky in an off beat macho way which balances out the fairly obvious plot.

Direction: John Carpentar delivers the goods. The action pops, rocks, and rolls, and the effects look great.

Acting: This movie is 95% James Woods. His portrayal of vampire hunter Jack Crow makes the film. He manages to take this gruff caricature and turn into a bizarre action protagonist that asks the supporting cast about their erections. He's the kind of bad ass that wears black leather in the desert heat because that's his look. He's tough, weird, and pretty damn awesome. There are other actors in this film, but it's all James Woods.

Editing: Clean cuts; the master at work. (Yes, I really like John Carpentar.)

Soundtrack/Score: Another Carpentar classic; he turns about a minute of country music into a full film score. God bless him.

Self-Awareness: James Woods and John Carpentar are pretty self-aware. I don't think Daniel Baldwin is.

Overall Rating: This one's just fine, but it's definitely the kind of flick you enjoy with a few drinks and few friends.
-Pete