Starring: Harrison Ford, Shia LaBeouf, Cate Blanchett, Karen Allen
Directed by: Steven Spielberg
Written by: Davivd Koepp
Studio: Lucas Films
Lucas and co have done it again - that is, manage to tarnish their past ultra-successes with an CGI-filled wankfest that is supposedly an "upgrade" for a new generation to enjoy. Unlike before, Indiana Jones is now old and wrinkly - an all around geezer. And his sidekick this time, rather than John Rhys-Davies, is a fucking one-dimensional punk/greaser that only crap talent like Shia LaBeouf can manage to ham up even more.
Don't even get me started about the plot. A unit of Cold-war Russians (who, by the way, have nothing on fucking ruthless Nazis), lead by a scientist that happens to be a lieutenant AND a psychic (a catchall character that I would only expect from the likes of Battlestar Galactica), is after the skulls of a long forgotten race of aliens that ruled over some Peruvian natives back in the day. And only the arthritis-stricken adventure can stop them from achieving total power or total knowledge or whatever the fuck the script calls for at a particular moment.
What really killed me about this film was how it sucked up so much time with self-referential bits (that is, throwbacks to original series). Just for a sense of how bad it was, I would say the masturbatory exercise was on par with that of a recent Family Guy episode. Yeah, that bad. For instance, two of the five major settings for the film were places we got glimpses of in Indy 1 and 3: Cambridge and the mysterious government warehouse full of artifacts. The school scenes weren't that fun or interesting in the first trilogy, why return then? And as for the mysterious hanger (which we learn in film is Hangar 51 hurrr), going inside, without exploring any of it besides an LOL moment, subsequently dissolved the allure it once had.
As for the later in the Peruvian jungle, when Indy and co are looking for some hidden temple so as to return an alien skull (made of quartz mind you, because that's a material really conducive to skeletal development in evolutionary terms), I couldn't help but think I was watching the Mummy movies (newer ones mind you) what with the rooms filled with gold and priceless artifacts (that Indiana pretty much ignores), the greedy sidekick, and elaborate safes filled with moving parts.
It's worth talking about what problems plagued the design of the film's main antagonist (i.e. Dr. Spalko and the Soviets) because, fuck, you can't have a DECENT movie without a gripping force of antagonism, let alone a great one. Indy 1 and 3 were great films in part due to the Nazis and their antithetical approach to the Christian artifacts. They were cruel, sinister and conveyed the sense of invulnerability; the Russians in Indy 4 come across as a rag-tag team with limited resources and with only the vaguest notion of a goal. True, Spalko at first comes off as domineering and force to be reckoned with; this mostly because of Blanchett's cold appearance and militant posture. Also, her weapon of choice, the rapier, added some dimension to the character, albeit in a strange and almost sexist way; through Spielberg's direction, the sword almost masculinizes her, e.g. a shot where the sword is held a few inches from her face but between her nose and mouth (like a mustache), and a shot where the sword pops up from her hip like, well, a cock. But this aside, once Spalko speaks, we lose our respect for her since her ultimate goal (which, of course in true laughable villain style, she just has to disclose to the protagonist) changes from one minute to the next.
I guess I don't belong to Lucasfilm's target demographic - where's my cane?
Direction: Spielberg did some intriguing shots when Cate Blanchett was on screen (e.g. her "use" of the rapier), but otherwise the action felt generic. Hell, he rips off of Tarzan at one point for Christ's sake. And the CGI, oh lord was none of that necessary. No need to see the end (and I don't count the wedding scene as the ending of the fill because as of now, I'm happy to think it never existed) if you saw the one at the end of the first X-Files movie.
Acting: Allow me to convey my evaluations as newspaper headlines: Harrison Phones Home. Nothing to Work With For Karen. Shia Go Back to Wher'st You Came.
Editing: The movie didn't not lag, despite its many flaws - 30 points for the editors. That being said, why was the atom bomb testing scene allowed to leave the post-production room?
Sound: THX never fails to deliver.
Soundtrack/Score: Besides a couple of musical throwbacks to Raiders and E.T., I wasn't pumped by the music at all.
Self-Awareness: At one point, Indy is sinking in some non-quick sand, so Mutt throws him the end of a long snake to use a rope. Indy freaks, and order to overcome his phobia of snakes and survive, he makes Mutt call it a "rope" rather than a snake. Maybe the movie is trying to tell us that if we call it "good" then we'll be convinced that it isn't, despite our sense, shit?
Overall rating: * 1/2
And It Must Be A Full Moon Because...
eFilmCritic.com
"...wildly over-the-top in its supernatural silliness as we’d expect from the franchise, as “Crystal Skull” takes the fantasy elements of the first three films and updates them with the mythologies of the 1950s."
Supernatural silliness? I don't know what to say other than Temple of Doom was the only one that ever brushed on craptacular mythos and hocus pocus (not defending Christianity here, but it does have an established and celebrated lore unlike FLYING SAUCERS IN THE JUNGLES). And even then, it wasn't about fucking aliens with quartz skulls and based on one of the more hairbrained of conspiracy theories. Also, replacing Nazis with castrated Soviets hardly amounts to an "update".
"With a keen eye, brash tempter, and plenty of smarts hidden underneath a rugged exterior, Mutt comes off as something of a junior Indy, reworked for the Eisenhower years."
I guess Junior Indy was an annoying stock character as well? (fuck the Young Indian Jones series, by the by) Talk about the caterpillar becoming a butterfly...
WaffleMovies
"Spielberg brings back many of the elements that were so endearing in the first movies like the way we see the travels of Indiana Jones drawn out on a map in the background as we watch the plane or train move along its path."
He remembered to include an integral stylistic element from the original trilogy? Wowweee.
"Also, he puts that special light in Jones’s eyes and shows us Indiana’s genuine love for what he is doing as our hero uncovers every clue, and gets closer to making his amazing discoveries."
The light of a tired, old man that didn't want to do this film in the first place.
And We Mustn't Forget...
Ain't It Cool News
"The Crystal Skulls… What is it about? Well, that I’m literally just 40 minutes from having seen it at this point – I’m going to say I feel the film is about letting go of the past and choosing a happy future. It’s LIFE."
And LIFE never looked so played out. HOW ABOUT A WEDDING GUYS?!
"She says, “Yeah, what’s that?” And on his way to do shit that only Indiana Jones could do – he says, “They weren’t you baby!” – and I started clapping and tears of fucking joy ran down my face."
She's fallen for the oldest trick in the book, I'm so happy for her too.
Indiana Jones is about nostalgia, that’s what it was conceived from.
See, I thought it was about the ULTIMATE badass fighting the ULTIMATE evil (holocaust fetishism mmm), shooting bitches, drinking whiskey, doing lines off-screen (well, Harrison Ford was anyway), bumbling a little but never doing anything incredibly stupid (like give a self-admitted double agent another nine chances), and maintaining a healthy distrust of the government. I got less than that here, just some grumblings about McCarthyism and one liners so old Harrison Ford must as well have been spitting dust.
~Ian
No comments:
Post a Comment