Speed Racer

Starring: Emile Hirsch, Christina Ricci, Susan Sarandon, John Goodman, Matthew Fox
Directed by: Andy and Larry Wachowski
Written by: Andy and Larry Wachowski
Studio: Warner Brothers, Pictures

So I got a ticket to a showing of Speed Racer airing three days before it premiered for free. Not bad, free movie, didn't have any plans that night anyway. I also got a free goodie bag of schwag beforehand. Not bad at all, love free collectible items. Things, however, went downhill right after the Village Road Show logo faded. Everything after that was what I would like to call BOOM BOOM NEON COLORS AND COTTON CANDY CGI GALORE. Plus some of the more cliched storytelling I've seen in a while.

Our setting? A warped futuristic present day animeland with a really strange obsession with psychedelic colorization and fucking nuclear powered cars that go 800 km/hr. I don't remember the original material being so unbelievably pop arty and nausea-enducing. Our protagonist? Speed, an absolute retard with a homonculus for a girlfriend who by the end (SPOILERS I guess) manages to become the greatest racer car driver/drifter/spazzhead ever and brings a corrupt multinational conglomerate to justice while inadvertantly helping a mysterious fellow competitor Racer X come to terms with his past while also thwarting a crime boss with Dick Tracy bad henchmen at the same time managing to remind his father what's important in life: family, not racing. Not bad for an ADD half-wit.

Too bad (and this is a rant coming on) the overweight, overbearing and overly crass Racer patriarch, who owns an independent race car production "plant" (it's really a garage), allowed racing to invade every aspect of his children's lives before his epiphany. Having already twisted his older son Rex, who raced for his father until stumbling upon the horrible truth about the biz(IT'S ALL FIXED, A SHAM, A SPURIOUS INDUSTRY) and is estranged because Rex just gotta quits, Pops still lets young Speed fall into the life of high stakes, vehicular trauma and brass glory because, hey, all we need are old videos to remind us how racing is super-cool (that's a plot point, I shit you not) and why not just sit back and let your sons bring your car all the publicity?

Now, there's really nothing at all original about this film. Granted, one would be a fool to think that something based on a Japanese cartoon from the 60's written and directed by the Wachowskis would recreate cinema. But there's a clear and present problem when a dozen times or so during the film a humble viewer such as myself goes, "Hey, why am I reminded of the Phantom Menace by this?". Yes folks, Speed Racer takes its liberties with George Lucas's ass-to-mouth movie that unleashed a casade of shit merchandise nobody wanted and spoiled the magic (literally and figuratively) of the original series. How heavily? Just off the top of my head: We're treated to Coruscant-esque scenes with huge buildings, hovercraft-looking planes, highly complex robotics and corrupt officials; a very long off-road racing sequence with unusual pod-looking cars fitted with outrageous sci-fi boobie traps and weapons while shady dealings go on behind the scenes; an overabundance of characters whose names we never bother to remember; ninjas with blowdarts and poisons (that's more from Attack of the Clones but who cares at this point); and messianiac man-child that can "listen" to his car and get instructions on how to reboot its neutron transmission or whatever.

It need be mentioned that Speed Racer is an absolute kids movie. Absolute in the sense that, unlike a Pixar film these days, Speed Racer has no layer of adult humor or plotting (although the plot really is too tortuous for the wee peoples) that will keep anyone over 15 entertained unless they're a fanboy. Seriously, there's a monkey throwing its shit around and cootie shot references that break the fourth wall (not kidding); I guess the Wachowskis were out to prove they can make films other than ones about lesbians in a pseudo-noir setting or glorifying NOT-guerilla warfare.

But they still manage to glorify, while not selling your soul to the corporate-mindset, but invest EVERYTHING in ONE thing that you happen to good at. Because, as we all know, it's healthy to focus on one area of interest so intensely that it becomes an obsession and the only thing you end up knowing how to do besides rely on your girlfriend to do the normal activities, e.g. help you pass high school by letting you CHEAT OFF HER. Besides, it's not like the last shot of the movie is on text that fucking reads: CHEATERS NEVER PROSPER. That and as long as you're not the guy at the top, you'll be exonerated in the end (e.g. backstabbing Japanese guy, old hack sellout and equally-money mongering guy who just isn't as assertive as the BIG BAD). I guess Larry and Andy don't like Arendt.

Rundown Go!

Writing: The Wachowski Brothers (siblings really) know the Hero's Journey formula. They also don't know how to write dialog and probably never will at this rate. And unlike in the Matrix, where they stole from quality material, they decided to go to the budget Star Wars movies.

Direction: You can only enjoy so much of Speedy drifting on tracks with the Mach 5. That and throwing clips ontop of clips mere seconds after one another make entertainment not.

Acting: No one captures the essence of their character except John Goodman but even he tries to make his character seem less despicable. Emile was terrible as Speed, he couldn't do the pose for his life.

Editing: So much screen time is devoted to expositing pointless shit while the emotional scenes (like showing how the family grieved Rex's crash) are cut short. They sure do get to talk about their emotions though.

Sound: The sound was crisp, I'll give it that.

Soundtrack/Score: It's all rehashes of the theme song from the cartoon and unmemorably generic orchestrals. And fuck the cover at the end.

Self-Awareness: They get that this had to be something that kids will eat up, I give them that. But they don't get that they still suck balls.


Overall rating: **

~Ian