John Carpenter's Vampires

Starring: James Woods, Daniel Baldwin, other people.

Director: John Carpentar

Writer: Dan Jakoby

Studio: Columbia/Tristar

Vampire hunting seems too easy sometimes. Even wafer thin little numbers like Sarah Michelle Gellar can do it. But John Carpentar reminds us that's all glitz and glamor made for the Hollywood crowd. He takes us back to the hard working, blue collar, whore hopping, truck driving vampire hunters that helped build this country. God bless them all and their pointy sticks.

Ian reminded me why I hate vampire movies repeatedly throughout our cinematic sojourns together. It's one of those genres that irritates the hell out of me when it's just lazily retread over and over again, and sometimes nudity is used to distract the viewer from the lazy suck being hurled at your eyes. This movie actually tries to do something a little different. Vampire hunting is treated like an all day job here; it's like being an exterminator with very high mortality rate. There's some other stuff about Vatican vampire conspiracies, but the actual hunting is the highlight for me.

Writing: It's a serviceable script, but Carpentar's had better to work with. It's quirky in an off beat macho way which balances out the fairly obvious plot.

Direction: John Carpentar delivers the goods. The action pops, rocks, and rolls, and the effects look great.

Acting: This movie is 95% James Woods. His portrayal of vampire hunter Jack Crow makes the film. He manages to take this gruff caricature and turn into a bizarre action protagonist that asks the supporting cast about their erections. He's the kind of bad ass that wears black leather in the desert heat because that's his look. He's tough, weird, and pretty damn awesome. There are other actors in this film, but it's all James Woods.

Editing: Clean cuts; the master at work. (Yes, I really like John Carpentar.)

Soundtrack/Score: Another Carpentar classic; he turns about a minute of country music into a full film score. God bless him.

Self-Awareness: James Woods and John Carpentar are pretty self-aware. I don't think Daniel Baldwin is.

Overall Rating: This one's just fine, but it's definitely the kind of flick you enjoy with a few drinks and few friends.
-Pete

The Incredible Hulk

Starring: Edward Norton, Liv Tyler, Eli Roth, William Hurt
Directed by: Louis Leterrier
Written by: Zak Penn, Edward Norton
Studio: Marvel Studios

I love Eddie Norton. Always have, always will. The stuff he brings to the table, both as an actor and as a creative contributor, never diminishes a film's quality and often elevates it to the level of thoroughly thoughtful cinema.

Often. But not always. The Incredible Hulk being a prime example.

I firmly believe that Batman Begins (although not my favorite superhero flick) and Iron Man have spoiled us now, we can't ever appreciate a generic superhero film again like the ones sprinkled throughout the nineties and early 2000's. The Incredible Hulk treads on familiar ground, features eh-caliber performances and relies on mediocre CGI to get the job (mostly) done. Which is all a goddamn shame given the level of talent involved.

To be fair, I can't comment on the amount of Edward's input made it into the theatrical cut - I know made heavy rewrites early in the game and had "issues" with the final cut that appeared in theaters. But I can knock on his performance, a tad c(l)ueless and stilted. I know Bruce Banner's a scientist and all, but shit, I didn't know he was also so terribly awkward.

The endothermic chemistry between Norton and Liv Tyler especially irritated me - all the possible heat of a scene between lovers separated by five years and a huge green mafucker was somehow zapped into outer space. I guess Norton is gay - j/k, Liv Tyler's nothing to write home about these days.

Even Eli Roth's performance evoked some disappoint: for once we actually get a comic villain with palatable character arc (from over-the-hill soldier still looking for action, to a juiced up guinea pig with a score to settle, to a power-crazed stalker, and finally to A HUGE BONEY UGLY FUCK) and yet we as the audience lose out despite the use of high caliber actor. Resounding blah.

But it was still ten-times better than Ang Lee's horseshit.

Writing: The plot definitely leaves something to be desired. Half the time the story's moved along by instant message conversations between Banner and the MYSTERIOUS Mr. Blue. The dialog is straight-up cheesy at points, e.g. something like, "it will produce...AN ABOMINATION!". The ending (proper) is kind of puzzling and the last scene really doesn't serve any purpose but to pimp out the inevitable Avengers movie. Which, granted, I'm excited about.

Direction: Eh. Action generic. The one brawl between Blonsky and the Hulk on the campus lawn was pretty well sculpted though.

Acting: Norton never gave the role enough life, Liv Tyler was just plain bad. William Hurt was the only one who balled as General Ross.

Editing: The scenes in Brazil were nice and crisp, but once Banner goes to America and starts hanging with his ex, we get a lot of fluffy bad romance. Also, why did the final battle clock under 10 minutes?

Sound: Unremarkable.

Soundtrack/Score: Sounded just like Iron Man's frankly.

Self-Awareness: There are quite a few nods to the TV show from the 70's and to some of the lesser known elements of the comic which are admittedly amusing if not fleeting.

Overall rating: ** 1/2

~Ian

Batman: The Movie

Starring: Adam West, Burt Ward, Cesar Romero, Burgess Meredith, Frank Gorshin, and Lee Meriwether
Director: Leslie H. Martinson
Writer: Lorenzo Semple Jr.
Studio: Twentieth Century Fox

I take comedy very seriously; it takes real skill to be funny on a regular basis. In this manufactured camp classic, every line of dialog, set, gesture, and costume choice are deliberate attempts to celebrate and ridicule the bizarre superhero comics of the fifties and sixties.

Every set is full of bizarre details in the background that require a pause button to take in; it's a staggering commitment to an aesthetic for a film created before vcr and dvd. The baroque nature of the humor yields new treasures with every viewing. Your second viewing points out the ridiculous pattern in the lining of the Riddler's jacket. Your third shows you that Catwoman's room is marked by a pretty pink ribbon and not a cat. It goes on and on.

Writing: The writing is tight. The plot is supposed to be ridiculous, the characters eccentric caricatures, and the dialog mannered and absurd. It's supposed to be exactly the opposite of hip, and it's as ironic as Stephen Colbert waving an American flag while the nation sinks into the sea.

Direction: Strong direction that works well around the budget constraints. It also helps that the film's aesthetic is supposed to look cheap so the director can dwell on the rubber sharks and cheap camera tricks that create the film's special effects.

Acting: Growing up watching with reruns of Adam West as Batman on basic cable has spoiled me. I grew up eating dinner in the living room with my little brother watching him and Burt Ward trying to foil Egg Head, False Face, King Tut, or some equally bizarre celebrity guest villain. It also makes me pissy when people my age only know him from Family Guy. The man has been doing brilliant comedy since my father was 5 years old. He can bring a mock seriousness to dialog that just floors me every time. Few things sound as equally serious and ridiculous as when Adam West says them, and Burt Ward provided the perfect foil for West. His voice is a comfortable old couch that my ears love to lay upon; it sturdily anchors the film as it bounces along waves of excess.

The excess comes in the form of the guest villains; we get some great lunacy coming from Romero, Meriwether, Meredith, and Gorshin. It's like watching the Harlem Globetrotters play; the ball goes from player to player so each can showboat rather than win the game. It's all about who can throw the most flair in front of the camera while looking a like a damn fool. Burgess Meredith is wearing furry gloves; he has muppet fingers, a monocle, and a cigarette holder. Gorshin is wearing a purple girdle, and Romero didn't shave his mustache. It lurks beneath his makeup crushing the suspension of disbelief with every closeup and well lit scene. It appears like they had a lot of fun filming this; I would like to think so at least. It just seems like a perfectly good waste of a rocket umbrella if you aren't enjoying the ride.

Editing: Nice abrupt cuts between wacky set pieces, and who could forget that gorgeous spinning logo. It's a tight film, and like the best comedies, it remembers that a good joke never overstays its welcome.

Soundtrack/Score:Crazy big band with blaring horns and wacky little musical ticks. A fun cartoony score that keeps things bouncy.

Self-Awareness: It plays it completely straight, but don't let that fool you. This film is self aware of every second of every frame.

Overall Rating: 5 stars because it's a perfectly executed comedy.
-Pete

Judge Dredd

Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Armand Assante, Rob Schneider, and Diane Lane
Director: Danny Cannon
Writer: William Wisher and Steven E. De Souza
Studio: Hollywood Pictures

Judge Dredd is a British comic that I have enjoyed quite a bit, but it's sad to see such a middling movie produced from what I consider strong source material. I don't want to turn this into a comic book blog (I swear I will review a non-comic movie one day), but I do feel that one thing about this film as a comic adaptation needs to be addressed. The plot of the film is pretty much cherry picked from some of Judge Dredd's best comics, and these different characters, plots, and tones are all held together by the mold of a generic action film. Once Judge Dredd takes off his costume, he's indistinguishable from any number of characters Stallone plays in a shoot em up. It's all so by the numbers that it gets a little boring.

The film also thinks that one opening wall of text is enough to explain everything to the viewer. Ideas like a, "Block War", how this crazy future government works, why the hell they retire via, "Long Walk," or why they let the evil German into their American dystopia are only half explained, and on the flip side of the coin, how Judge Dredd's gun works is hammered at the viewer repeatedly. They demonstrate it in the opening of the film with an action scene, then Dredd explains it in a school setting to some rookies, and finally it's detailed further in a painfully slow, expository dialog ridden trial scene with a 3 D model. It's essential to the film's final battle to understand how it works, but it's sad to see so much screen time lost to a fucking prop.The gun is more important than most of the film's supporting cast, but I still wish it had more screen time than Rob Schneider.

Speaking of Mr. Schneider, he has too much screen time; he is the funny sidekick that is just fucking annoying. I am sure somebody thought the two of them could recapture their chemistry from Demolition Man, but they must have forgotten that Schneider only had about six lines in that movie. If only he had as little to say in Judge Dredd, we could be spared the scene where he humorously asks Dredd to not rape an unconscious male guard (rape double standard = comedy gold).

Direction: Despite the cookie cutter storyline, I love the look of the film. The outfits for the Judges are actually designed by Versace which gives them this great runway fascism look, and they create interesting new outfits as you strip away the body armor. Mega City One is very much crafted in the image of a less Japan-centric version of Bladerunner's LA; it's crowded, dirty, full of garish ads, butler robots, and flying cars. The other excellent work is to make the Judge's headquarters as clean and polished as possible which gives them the overtones of being a ruling class looking down on an impoverished citizenship. Also, the cyborg Mean Machine and ABC warrior robot look really fucking cool.

There are some scenes that really work. The flying bike chase looks good, and the effects hold up after all this time. There is also a great scene transition from the villain killing a guard to Dredd shooting a training target. Otherwise, there's what I would call "attempted directing" such as the lighting and music used as Dredd gazes at a statue of Lady Justice and recommits himself to the law. It almost works, unlike the writing.

Writing: This is the tragedy of the film; it's a series of great special effects and design work ruined by weak dialog connected by cliche after cliche after cliche. I'll just do a quick cliche rundown: wall of text to explain scifi premise; bible thumping hillbillies; comedy sidekick; emotionless loner cop; council of elders fighting over how to lead; snotty yuppie with a sports car; and the wrongfully accused officer of the law.

On top of that, the film tries way to hard to spoon feed the audience catchphrases and puns. Dredd's catchphrase of, "I knew you'd say that," is uttered six times in 96 minutes, and it's said 3 times in the first 15. I was sick of it before the first act finished. The comedy also hurts; with lines like "court's adjourned," burning their way into my ears.
The best line belongs to the villain, and it goes like this, "Guilt and innocence is a matter of timing." I will give them credit for that little bit.

Acting: Stallone tries here, but he's never that good. He also has a good couple scenes where he has to act through a helmet, and this involves him putting all of his emotions into the only visible part of his face, his chin. When he is accused of murder, he literally chins the hell out of that scene with all the protruding, clenched glory that entails.

Armand Assanted does the best acting in the film by playing Dredd's evil twin as a twisted impersonation of Stallone. It's pretty funny here and there, and it's clear that he's enjoying himself.

Everybody else is forgettable (I am not thinking about Schneider more than I have to), but Jürgen Prochnow is hilariously awful as the traitorous Judge Griffen. I could barely contain my laughter at how hammy he was; he just shouts the hell out of his evil little German plans when he explains them. It's funny, but I don't think that he intended that.

Editing: Effects are integrated well, and the scenes transition very well. I just wish the cut Rob out completetly.

Soundtrack/Score: Generic

Self-Awareness: It's about as aware as most one-liner action movies, but not up to the lofty heights of it's spiritual predecessor Demolition Man.

Overall Rating: 2 stars, and I would call that charitable. Unless you are a huge Dredd fan, I would just rent the above mentioned Demolition Man. Seriously, rent it now; if you don't see it before we review it, that's minus 15 canary points.

-Pete

You, too, can be the Law BUY NOW BEFORE THE THIRD WORLD WAR

One Missed Call (Blu ray edition)

Starring: Shannyn Sossamon, Edward Burns, Azura Skye, Ray Wise
Directed by: Eric Valette
Written by: Andrew Klavan (Novel by Yasushi Akimoto)
Studio: Alcon Entertainment

The Japanese have been known to scare a mafucker or two with their movies. As embarrassing as it is, I admit to almost wet myself once during Ringu. Yep, for whatever reason (it's post-WWII fixation with THE BOMB has something to do with it), Japan is full of people that know how to make us flip-a-shit.

It didn't take long for Hollywood to recognize the potential for introducing J-Horror (as the subgenre is known as now) to Western market. Of course, something needed to be done about the "packaging" of the product. For, you see, we Towering Americans cannot stand to deal with subtitles and completely Asian casts, so the studios just had to remake these movies in our own image. And of course, something is !LoSt iN tRaNsLaTiOn! - something big. But while the American version of the Ring was so-so, the bastardization of an already shitty film called One Missed Call - like the American counterpart, the Japanese film industry isn't afraid to clone successes - just makes me wonder if Westernization is all it's cut out to be.

Shannyn Sossamon (she so purdy) plays a college student whose friends keep dying and then booty calling random friends from the grave and letting them know when they too will meet their demise. It's like the game Telephone mixed with a Ouija board, but even more retarded somehow. With the help of a bulky, blockheaded detective whose sister he believes was killed by the same force going around fucking up (mostly) co-eds, the two play detective for a while and then I got bored and hit the Bacardi.

There really is no substance to this film, that is to say there's no message, theme or intense character study - fuck, even Pulse had some social commentary. Here, unfortunately, we're subjected to protagonists we couldn't care less about, an antagonist (who wasn't the person you expected it to be! oh wait, I never felt the need to form an expectation in the first place) that perpetrates because she's just evil, and victims we hardly get enough time to learn about before they're dispatched.

Which leads me to my next complaint: One Missed Call wasn't scary in the slightest. The ways people were offed by the demon child, rather than gruesome or chilling, were downright boring and contrived. Hit by a train, dragged into the water, impaled by pipe - all done a dozen times before. I suspect developing this film with a PG-13 rating in mind was the primary culprit for the snoozer gore, but even then, I Know What You Did Last Summer pulled off some brutal hookings without entering R-land. In addition, the demon child's minions (I guess that's what they were), based off ugly dolls the demon child had when she was alive, kind of hang around the entire time and try to look menacing. Instead, they look like puffy-faced Cabbage Patch dolls.

As a side note, I can't imagine why Boost mobile decided to have their product integrated into almost every scene of One Missed Call. First of all, I guess no one at HQ bothered to read the fucking thing when it slid across their desks like a turd on bowl water - where your brains at? Second of all, even if you didn't read the script, you know it's about some demon or whatever kiling bitches while using a cell phone the entire time. "Oh man, it's the phone from that movie with the crazy 6 yeard old bitch murdering college students from someone's stored contact list!" - is that the kind of recognition you're looking for? And finally, there is a short scene where the lead consults a Boost Mobile representative about how to cancel a plan and rep informs them, smugly of course, that they can't and instead have to use up the phone's minutes to get it to suspend the account. Good to know that BM's all about customer service.

The fact that I just wrote a paragraph about Boost Mobile's poor marketing decision behind this flick that is longer than any of the other paragraphs in this review is a testament to the shittiness that is One Missed Called.

Boo! Rundown:

Writing: The dialog captures what I imagine the conversations of lobotomy patients sound like. No rhyme or reason is given as to why the antagonist randomly kills people from stored contact lists on cell phones beyond she was a SADISTIC CHILD (boy oh boy screenwriters don't seem to mind milking that trope till its tits fall off). Characters pop up and talk as if we should know who they are in terms of the muddled and circuitous story but frankly I couldn't give less of a fuck to know.

Direction: Surprisingly, Valette treats us to some decent shots that show a modicum of creativity - for example, there's a scene of a heated argument between the female lead and the head of the Psychology department that is shown from outside of office and thus has no (heard) dialog. That being said, Valette couldn't cook up a scare that my mother would jump over - and she gets scared by abrupt changes in conversation topics.

Acting: Mz. Sossaman can act, this I know for a fact - just check out the movie Wristcutters. But here she managed to show us just how well she can sleepwalk through a scene despite being, you know, the lead. Also, Ray Wise's talent was horribly misused for the few scenes that features him. SHAME. But all was not lost - we did get to see an aging Margaret Cho ham it up, which is always amusing.

Editing: I cannot fathom why so much of the second act is left to the lead playing Nancy Drew with Officer Witless despite the scenes' collective level of tension hovering around Absolute Zero; why not just show us more gruesome deaths and scary doll people with mouths for eyes? No one watching this was looking for a gumshoe story, guys; the market is clearly thirteen year olds looking to get into their first SCAAAAAAARY movie, not Veronica Mars fans.

Sound: If one more horror film takes an nursery rhyme or a sweet chord or a song from the Thirties and tries to turn it into the next Jason Voorhee's murder theme, I'm going to cry razors and use them to murder the innocent.

Soundtrack/Score: Generic.

Self-Awareness: Everyone behind this must have known the movie was intended as nothing other than another shitty knock-off - but I guess it didn't bother any of them enough to do something, at the very least, fun or self-reflexive.

Overall rating: 1/2

~Ian

So what if Ian hated it? YOU MIGHT LOVE IT, YOU DOLT. BUY IT.