Batman and Robin

Starring: George Clooney, Chris O'Donnel, Alicia Silverstone, Uma Thurman, Arnold Schwarzenegger
Director: Joel Shumacher
Writer: Akiva Goldsman
Studio: Time Warner

Do you see Uma Thurman's face in this picture? She's broken, exhausted, and little stupid; this is what watching Batman and Robin does to people. I reviewed the funniest Batman movie every made; it stars Adam West. This film wants to be that film so badly that it hurts, but like any pathetic wannabe, it just tries and fails like a baby bird with one wing. It isn't funny; it's just sad. The near fatal shift in tone for the Batman franchise reaches its nauseating climax here. Batman Forever taught the studio that a cheesy, hideous looking Batman film could make more money and get better reviewed than a dark one. Here is the attempt to take that formula and push it as far as possible.

Nothing mature happens in this film; it's all product placement for happy meal toys, action figures, and credit card companies. Don't forget Batman pulls out a credit card that says fucking, "Batman," on it. I have nothing against a funny Batman story. I love Adam West's take on the character and all that entails, Joker's Millions is a great Batman story from comic books published fifty years ago that's fucking hilarious (yes, Batman is in other things besides movies). The real problem with this film is that it isn't funny; it tries and fails at humor repeatedly with awful puns and contrived visual gags that never deliver a real laugh from the audience.

Then there are the attempts to create drama in the film. Batman and Robin's family dynamic, Alfred's sickness, and Mr. Freezes attempts to save his wife might have worked in a movie that didn't have dancing gorillas, wacky sound effects, horrible puns, Alicia Sylverstone street racing, Batman's credit card, and that dog that gets frozen just before it mictorates on a hydrant. It's insande to think that anyone intended any portion of this film at actually come close to pathos.

Direction: Joel tries and fails to incorporate some heavy CGI into this movie. It might not have aged well, but I doubt the opening sky diving sequence with butterfly Mr. Freeze every looked good. The film really emphasized Shumacher's limitations; he's so bad at creating mood in scenes that he can't even do broad superhero slapstick. I also could have lived without the closeups of Batman and Robin's tight rubber clad crotches and butts. I hear this is a kid's movie Joel or at least a kid's toy commercial.

Most of his attempts at atmosphere are just huge uninteresting wastes of money. He actually cost the production millions of dollars by getting refrigerated sets so you could see the actors breath in Mr. Freeze scenes. Sadly, the lighting was done wrong, and it wasn't visible. He could have just saved everyone the trouble and just burned a pile of millions of dollars and filmed that. I swear that might look cool in a Batman movie.

Writing: Akiva Goldsman might be the anti-christ. The dialog alone in this script is enough to turn the moon to blood and summon the four horsemen. His attempts at comedy consist of puns so bad that Mr. Peabody would slap you in the face for uttering them. (If you don't know who Mr. Peabody is, that's minus 25 Canary points.) The sheer number of puns involving ice, winter, chilling out, staying cool, kicking ice, etc. that come out of Arnold's mouth make me wonder if he was even trying. What do I know? He has an Oscar for A Beautiful Mind, but he also did Lost in Space. I don't like any of the scripts for these movies, but somebody sure does. I think that somebody needs a tire iron to the face.

Acting: Clooney is alright, but he could be a million times funnier with something better to work with. Arnold has the worst lines of his career and a costume that even he complained about limiting his acting ability; I can't be too mad at him. He admits he wasn't at the top of his game. Uma plays her role like a drag queen which comes very close to ruing the entire film by her self; it's astonishing how repulsive she as the film's tongue-in-cheek sex pot. Chris and Alicia give performances that killed their respective careers; they should have run for the hills after reading the damn script. The writing and the acting have the same problem, for the most part, none of these people are right for a comedy like this. They can't carry it to the fucking curb, let alone for two hours.

Editing: The editor made the mistake of letting any of this footage survive.

Sound: Lots of stupid cartoon sound effects.

Soundtrack/Score: They milk Danny Elfman's score and upgrade to be even gaudier than before, and the Smashing Pumpkins song is cool.

Self-Awareness: Everybody knows they are making a joking Batman film, but they have no idea that it isn't funny at all.

Overall rating: Fuck this goddamn turd and the hell spawn that birthed it.
-Pete