Star Trek

Starring: James Pine, Zachary Quinto, Leonard Nimoy, Simon Pegg
Directed by: JJ Abrams
Written by: Robert Orci, Alex Kurtzman
Studio: Paramount Pictures

As I stood in line to see Star Trek 11 a few weeks ago, I did promise myself (AND THEREFORE YOU TOO, FAIR READER) I would separate my fanboy nitpicks and protectiveness and evaluate this movie on its merits qua a blockbuster by any other name. It also probably helped I was a little stoned, so as to unbridle my mind from the shackles of purist thought. "I probably should have taken another toke," I thought to myself as the procession started. At least I had popcorn.

Even with tree and corn inside, I still didn't like it. Granted, the acting turned out to be (surprisingly) top notch (thanks Zachary Quinto :-3) and the CGI took my breath away. Kudos, Evil Eye Pictures. That withstanding, I took three strong issues with this movie:


1 - The antagonist was a goddamn clown

So we got this Romulan miner guy (from the Original universe) that holds Spock responsible for this supernova consuming Romulus and the rest of the galaxy or something, gets sent into this other universe alongside Spock, doesn't really give a fuck about how he's just passed through a black hole and goes about nuking everything in sight. Then, after fucking up a handful of starships, he hangs around for twenty-five years, he and his crew just chilling, until Spock finally shows up (TIME TRAVELING MINDFUCKERY) and Nero resumes his imbecilic rage quest. Nero's situation is analogous to what would happen if a downs-syndrome, Asperger's boy got his hands on cache of rocket-propelled grenades and was dropped off by his oblivious parents at the playground frequented by the children who, only his fuck-demented head, plotted the destruction of his teddy bear.

In the end, Nero was nothing more than a cheap version of Khan. Allow me to explain: Rather than swearing jihad on a feisty and stubborn flabby guy who steps on toes all the time (Kirk), he goes after the logical and serene one; rather than have grasp of tragedy befell him and who was to blame, he lashed out at the first thing that came to mind; and rather than develop a keen understanding of the technology and resources at his disposal, he charges like bumblefuckhead into combat. There have been some ugly and horribly conceived bad guys in the history of Trek, and Nero is just another accessory. Also, message to Eric Bana: Stop acting.

2 - Why the fuck bother with the alternate universe crap

By the end of the movie, the original fucking crew (all with their prior positions intact) still goes out on its five year mission to explore the final frontier. All the bullshit about Kirk's dad and Spock's mom and Uhura's green hussie of a roommate had no effect on the character's choices whatsoever (except maybe the Uhuru/Spock romance): Spock and Kirk are buddies just like in the original series by the end (despite Spock beaming Kirk onto an ice planet at one point), Scotty's still a bad Russian stereotype (but now he has a vaguely Asian alien sidekick), and Uhura is still marginally useful as the sole (hetero) sex object. Even Old Spock, the only leftover from the original universe, explicit states he'll take a backseat in this timeline and swears to go off and help those remaining Vulcans of the universe. Oh wait, that's right, I forgot, NERO BLEW UP VULCAN...BUT IT AIN'T NO BIG DEAL. It's a just a plot point, a way to get rid of Spock's mom (god knows what fucking for), nothing more.

The only reason I can imagine why the plot got so twisted up in time travel and red matter and all kinds of potentially important but ultimately irrelevant incidents was to somehow fudge out fanboy outrage. "We can't sell it to them without SOMETHING of the original intact...so let's throw in Shatner! Oh wait, he's being a tool...get Nimoy then!" Well, ya fucked up guys, this fanboy's not pacified (see below).

3 - The things Abrams et al changed didn't improve the quality of the production enough to counterbalance what they left in that people no longer (or never did) like

Ridiculous plots, over-the-top-and-illogical-villains, technobabble and pseudoscience galore, time MOTHERFUCKING travel, and uninspired dialog: these elements are what I (and lots of others) didn't like the original series/movies. The crummy acting, the lack of shine, the exploration of new space (versus fighting in this heavily-combed subregion), and the playfulness was what was endearing. So, instead of putting a new angle on these elements that people liked, the guys at Paramount just threw a new coat of paint on the Enterprise and it's gadgets, gave the character new and young faces, and boldly continued to shove b-level, replicated storytelling down our throats.

And now, with the objective evaluation out of the way, here's the fanboy outcry:

HOW THE FUCK DID THEY GET AWAY WITH BLOWING UP VULCAN?! IT'S THEIR FUCKING HOMEWORLD, CHRIST ARE YOU SERIOUS?! AND WHERE ARE THE ROMULANS NOW?! WHAT THE HELL IS RED MATTER?! THERE'S PLENTY OF MADE UP PHYSICS ALREADY THAT WOULD SEND NERO, THAT 99¢ STORE VERSION OF KAHN, ACROSS THE MULTIVERSE!! AND WHAT ABOUT THE BORG TECH, WOULDN'T THE COLLECTIVE PICK UP ON SOME JUICY FUTUREWARE JUST HANGING OUT IN THE ALPHA QUADRANT FOR TWENTY-FIVE YEARS?! AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ABOUT UHURA & SPOCK BUMPIN' UGLIES IN THE FACE OF PON FARR AND WHAT HAPPENED TO ODO AND CHEKOV AND EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ORIGINAL UNIVERSE oh well the Kobayashi Maru scene was pretty cool WAIT WHAT SPOCK PROGRAMMED IT?!?! CHRIST MY BRAIN...


Writing: Silly, old-school Star Trek plot with some mind-boggling additions (e.g. older, less-homo Spock). Lots of campy throwbacks which, I guess, is what Star Trek is all about...but I thought this was supposed to be a reinterpretation? Nero sounded and acted like a re-re.

Direction: The space battles were pretty cool. Standard, boring action shots otherwise.

Acting: Unquestionably the best feature of the film, and the only major departure from the feel of the original series that I really liked.

Editing: Kirk was on not-Hoth for way too long, Kirk and Scotty were in the tube room for too long, Nero was on-screen for too long...

Sound: They definitely carried over some sounds from the original, like the transporter sound, which felt out of place.

Soundtrack/Score: Eh.

Self-Awareness: This film reveled in campiness half the time and motifs of FAMILY TRAGEDY and THE HONOR OF SACRIFICE for the other half. I just can't take the latter seriously with the former around.

Overall rating: **


~Ian